Surviving The Dungeon, Expeditiously

This week's question: How high should a wizard hike up their skirt when fleeing for their life?

(roll 1d6)

1. Knee-level. You've only got to outrun the fighter, who is wearing full-plate anyway so he can soak a hit or two before going down, right?
2. Thigh-high. This provides a solid maneuverability for kicking down obstacle doors that might be in your way. There's already Stars and Moons on your robes, so a little extra flash of moon isn't going to be noticeable.
3. Waist-high. Pursuers may have to roll a saving throw vs. Death Ray/Poison, depending on hygiene or dungeon diet.
4. Can't actually bend over to grab a hem. Oh wait, that's the player, not the player character.
5. Creative Use of a Floating Disc spell. Put some Juice in your Caboose. Choo-choo noises optional.
6. The Drawer-Dropper. For the truly desperate, this technique has only paid off once when Izridian the Invoker kept his spare spell components someplace "extra safe" and the pursuing flailsnail had a reaction to his Mystic Bathsalts.

Podcast #2

The continuing adventure of the Riders of Lohan brings them back to The Blasphemy of Flowers. If you missed the first episode, it can be found at the same link below.

Our DM this time is Shon Richards, and our cast of Player Characters is:

• Pepto the Abysmal, 1st level Magic-User (Kirin)
• Bill the Mauler, 1st level Fighter (Darius Whiteplume)
• Ernest, the past-his-prime Fighter (NPC) 
• Raz, the outlaw  mage (NPC)

Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to comment below!

 

To listen, follow this link!

Ye Olde Coffin Nail

Every adventurer needs to know where the local "find an adventure and hire henchmen" tavern is. In our version of Yem, that tavern is Ye Olde Coffin Nail.

The name comes from Yem's tendency to have necromancers and undead running around. Likely the original owner thought it would attract upscale magi business, but today the place has become a dive bar full of used up adventurers, newly minted adventurers, and at least one amputee bar wench. Thus far all of our characters have begun their careers (such as they were) at "The Nail" and certainly many more will follow.

So, by all means, stop by for a warm beer and perhaps a cold woman. A warning though, if an old crone comes to hire you, ignore her...

Let's do Math!

Last night, the party of Bill the Mauler and Pepto the Abysmal returned with four sacks of full of treasure.  They also decimated the population of a goblin hideout and crisped some skeletons.  They lost two henchmen in the process and ran like hell from some Dire Wolf pups.  How much experience did they earn?

Basic Dungeons and Dragons has a chart for that!  Let's break down what they killed and accomplished, and then figure out their experience points.

They killed a Snowman, which has similar stats to a zombie with 2 Hit Dice.  The Basic D&D Experience chart rates monsters by their Hit Dice.  The Snowman is worth 20 xp.

There was some sort of trap up ahead.  Bricks had been circled in the floor and the crushed remains of human life had them suspicious.  The party used the last foot of a living statue that someone had killed as test weight.  They threw the foot at a circle and the ceiling came down and pulverized it.  The party now feels safer and more confident.  How much exp do they get?  For figuring out a trap, in Basic Dungeons and Dragons, they get nothing.  Nothing.

There was a pit with skeletons in it.  Pepto decided to go down and look.  The skeletons animated and Pepto's friends pulled him up.  They then used some oil and burned the 9 skeletons.  At one HD each, they are worth 10 exp each for a total of 90.

The party encounters two giant shrews.  The shrews wound an henchmen before dying.  At 1 HD each, they are worth 10 exp each for a total of 20.

The fearless party encounters some goblins.  They kill 3 who are tormenting a Pixie.  The Goblins have 1HD minus 1 Hp, which counts for 5 exp each.  How much do they get for freeing the Pixie and befirending it?  According to the rules, nothing. The goblins did have 12 electrum though.


The party encounters 4 more goblins and slay them for a total of 20exp.  The goblins also had 20 electrum.

The party losses a henchmen at this point when he taste tests a foul smelling vault.  He dies of poison. 

The party encounters a Goblin and 4 Dire Wolf Pups.  The party tries to bullshit their way through but the goblin, who might be smarter than them, offers to take a bribe rather than fight.  They pay him with the electrum they have collected so far, which means they don't get to count the electrum as exp later. 

How much do you get for a peaceful resolution?  The Basic Rules suggest full exp for monsters defeated by "fighting, magic or wits" so I will give them full exp.  Just not right now for reasons you will see in a bit.

The party then meets a brining pit where dead humans are being prepared for eating.  Party is grossed out but no exp is awarded.

The party wiselyy avoids the soound of a large group of goblins partying and head towards the quiet tunnel.  There they encounter 2 Goblin Guards and slay them.  The Guards are slightly tougher at 2 HD each, for a total of 40 xp.

The Goblin Guards are guarding a vault with 2000 electrum pieces, 9720 copper pieces and 6,200 silver pieces.  Since the party of three can only haul so much, they take all the electrum pieces.  That means all the copper and silver is NOT added to experience even though they got to touch it.

On the way back, the Giblin and his 4 pups are horrified to see the players he let bribe him are leaving with the treasure from the vault.  Everyone tries to haggle and I roll a 2 on the NPC reaction chart which is "Immediate Attack"  With their 7 charisma each, the party really has nothing to complain about.

Fighting breaks out and the goblin dies quick and gives up his 5 xp.  The pups however rip apart the henchman and the two players wisely decide to run away.  They get no exp for escaping the pups even though Pepto cast a light spell at the eyes of one.

So, 20 xp for snowman, 90 for the skeletons, 20 for the shrews, 40 for various goblins and 40 for the 2 goblin guards for a total of 210 exp.  They also get a one for one experience point for every gold piece of treasure which nets them a cool 1000 exp for their electrum.

Check that out.  Killing, slaying and outwitting got the party 210 exp, split two ways.  That is it.  The treasure however, got them a nice 1000 split two ways.  By my math, they get 605 experience each. 

Obviously D&D has some wiggle room for adding extra exp whenever the DM feels like it and I plan to give 20 exp for smashing that foot because it was freaking funny.  Still, it is hard to ignore that by the rules, reducing the Goblin population doesn't mean nearly as much as robbing them.  No wonder Wall Street loves money so much, it is the best way to get experience.

One last note, if the henchmen had survived, the exp would be split 4 ways.  Makes you understand why henchmen rarely survive.


 

Damn, It Feels Good to be a 2nd Level Gangsta

Last night's assault on the Croney-Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation was a tough one. We lost Ernest the Drunken Door Opener, which was not pleasant, and Ras the Outlaw Mage to his own stupidity. Fortunately, the Lohanites all survived, and I reached 2nd level. I now have 12 hit points, which is four-times what I had prior. Sadly, you get little else with second level, save a new title. The ability to withstand two hits is worth the wait.

If you need me, I'll be at the Coffin Nail, mackin' on the one-handed serving wench.

Marva Asks Questions

Getting to Yem was easy with that snotty Halfling’s money.  Marva knew she wouldn’t have made it at all with what he was paying, but she borrowed a bit more from him for the trip.  Still it was about out, now, so she asked around where she could get some work, and that’s why she was darkening the door at “Ye Olde Coffine Naile” or something like that.

Still, what’s a good thief to do, but steal a few purses ask a few questions, and maybe have some fun in the process? Marva asked around a bit to see if anyone had work or knew where the snotty Halfling’s son was.  With a flash of her boobsCharisma, she found out: (roll d20):

1. Harry died when the dragon that lives on the giant tower uptown breathed on him and roasted him (and his plate armor) like a meat potato.
2. Harry was seen consorting with Blue Oyster Cultists, and they “don’t fear the reaper”, if you know what I mean.
3. Harry has a magic bow that he used to set a tavern in the dock district on fire.
4. After trying to steal secrets from the Tower of Despicable and Unknowale Secrets, Harry was transformed into a miniature giant space hamster.
5. If I buy you a drink, will you come back to my place?
6. Harry was last seen going out of town with a Fighter, a Hag, and some wimpy dude in a dress.
7. Oh, sorry old and mysterious Wizard!
8. He was hired by ruffians from the dock district to unlock a warehouse treasure chest, even though he insisted he was “Not a Burglar.”
9. Harry sleeps with the fishes now. Probably at the Blue Oyster Cult Headquarters.
10. He was caught cheating at BINGO, and now the Ancient Order of B-5 is after him, so he skipped town.
11. I hear he met a female gnome and they’re shacked up in the city park.
12. I heard it was a male gnome!
13. I heard he entered an ancient deadly dungeon and was killed by a goblin wielding a magic axe in the shape of fish.
14. A couple of bill collectors came in for him a few days ago, I suspect they broke his legs and stole his bow.
15. The ghosts of all the cultists who died while he was with them were haunting him so he went to Sister Mary’s House of Prayer and Prostitution to hide from them.
16. Sister Mary’s has the best not-quite-vestal-virgins in town; you could probably work there.
17. I heard he changed his name to “The Darkness” because some wizard cast magic missile at him.
18. That’s him over there! Ha made you look!
19. He’s crashed out back at my place, why don’t we go there and look for the Halfling?
20. Hey, look, those are the guys he went to that dungeon with!

To find out what really happened to Harry Barefoot, listen to our podcast!

Marva Gets Hired

Harold Barefoot, Sr (of the Bigglesfoot Barefeet) took another sip of his pint of ale (they sold it in pints!), and glanced around the bar.  The word amongst his employees was that this was the place to go to find a particular kind of person who could do particular kinds of things, and he was looking for the right person.  He had to send someone to that vile place, the Island of Yem, to find his son, and bring him home.

For starters, the rather large bag of gold, stamped with a multi-legged (and beautifully blue) crustacean had been more than enough to cover the refund that Harry had given the Suckston-Barefeet.  The other problem, though, was the note from his son.

Dear Father,

You should be receiving monies from a group known as the Scions of the Cerulean Shrimp.  I’ve contracted with them to do a bit of information gathering and (potentially) industrial espionage on the Isle of Yem. I directed them to send you the payment for the information I’m supplying them, as my current activities require the funds I’m getting locally.

On the other hand, I’ve sharpened my bow skills somewhat, and after slaying an evil Wizard (is there any other kind?) I have a nice new magic bow, that, while I’m sure it would settle our debt, is more useful to me in my current endeavors.

We’ve just contracted with someone to retrieve a small statue from a remote location, the payment of which is obsene even by your standards. Once I’ve done that, I hope to return to my family in Bigglesfoot, and invest the money wisely,

Many happy returns (at least 12%, if you know what I mean)

Your, son, Harry Barefoot

He’d crumpled the note when he’d seen it the first time, but smoothed it out afterwards.  His son was doing the work of a commoner!  Delving into places and retreiving things, shooting evil Wizards! That was work for the militia, or hirelings at least!  It was time to retrieve the boy, and for that he needed help.  

Probably from the militia, or a hireling at least.

He took a sip from his pint, and a tall, thin (yet still good-looking) redhead sat down across from him.  “Hiya, hot stuff,” she said. “How’s it hanging?”

Harold Barefoot thought about excusing himself, but he’d been in the bar for several hours and she was the first one to approach him for work.  He took a bigger sip of his ale, and started to tell the human what he wanted.

Podcast #1

So, we tried something new this time; recording our session so that you could listen in. Maybe you are not familiar with Basic D&D, or just want to hear what we sound like... Maybe your are hankering for a Total Party Kill? Either way, brave the auditory bowels of the Island of Yem in the mystical world of Uresia, and listen with rapt attention as The Riders of Lohan sally forth to right wrongs... or more likely to search for loot!

Our DM this time is Shon Richards, and our cast of Player Characters is:

• Harry Barefoot, 1st level Halfling (Joe Tortuga)
• Bill the Mauler, 1st level Fighter (Darius Whiteplume)
• And fresh from the box, Pepto the Abysmal, 1st level Magic-User (Kirin)
• Homes the Incontinent, NPC of negligible class/level

I added a bit of an introduction, and some swanky music from the D&D arcade game, Shadow Over Mystara, also there is a bit of a treat at the very end. Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to comment below!

To listen, follow this link!

One Fine Evening Down at the Local Watering Hole

Acid Reflux is a Bitch

As told by Pepto the Abysmal, first level Magic-User, Medium of the Light

I'm an old man and I've had a boring life. it's taken me 50-some years to learn one single spell, and in that time someone invented something called a Lantern that does the same thing. I'm not bitter. Really I'm not.

Lately I've been wandering down to the Old Coffin Nail, which is what passes for your standard wretched hive of scum and villainy here in Yem, commonly known as the local Adventurer's Tavern. Necromancy is seen as a favored local pastime here in the city, along the lines of Football or Gay Pride Parades. In fact the last time we had a zombie outbreak here people set up lawn chairs out on main street and clapped and waved flags. So you could say we have a pretty easy-going attitude about death - or at least that's what those Blue Öyster evangelists keep telling us we should have.

Fine with me, like I said, I've had a boring life. At least these adventuring types have seen an interesting thing or two. I sat down at a table with a pair of rough-and-tumble-looking fellas, Bill the Mauler and Harry Barefoot the Halfling. At least I think he's a halfling, but it's hard to tell if there's a halfling inside all that plate mail armor, he sort of looks like an ash can stove with hairy feet. They were sitting around and drinking and celebrating their recent defeat of a local upstart religion - something to do with that big explosion on the docks this week - and gloating about having gotten some sweet new magical weapons. Well, I've got a magic weapon too. It's a 25 pound spellbook with one obsolete spell in it.

A witch walks into a bar... something
something "a broom with a view"

Then comes exactly what I've been waiting for, this old crone with a wandering eye and a 20 foot aura of urinary incontinence causing. "I'm looking for some Adventurers!" she shouts. That wandering eye must be messing her up good because it's pretty frickin' obvious that I've got a cone-shaped hat with moons and stars on it and I'm hanging out with Sir clanks-alot and his own personal mini-me. She waddles over and offers us 50 thousand platinum pieces to climb down into a hole and bring her back a golden statue.

Now I know what you're thinking: Fifty thousand platinum for some statuary relocation? Sounds totally legit, right? You don't get to be my age without smelling a fishy deal or two. We press her for an advance of two platinum and lo and behold the witch up-ends her purse and pours out fifty thousand platinum pieces and gives us two of them before magically sucking the rest of them back in. I hadn't gotten this excited about something since three cannibals interrupted me one win away from claiming a seashell pipe at the last church Bingo night.

I think I just found my future wife.

So I'm headed into a hole in the ground to help some maniac art collector with a magic purse reclaim her long lost lawn ornament. Finally. This is what I call livin'. Otherwise quite probably known as soon-to-be dyin'.