Monday, August 27, 2012

Level 1 So Far

One night Bill starts drinking and a friendly scribe begins making a map of the adventures that have been had so far in the "Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation"

Sunday, August 26, 2012

A Report to the Tower of Secrets

I would like to thank the Tower of Secrets for assigning me this interesting problem.  I am glad to have earned a chance to redeem myself after the unfortunate outbreak of Black Pudding that I most likely had something to do with.

For those of you that have been busy working on your potions, scrolls or Black Pudding fighting, I shall inform you of the strange occurrence of magic that happened this past Thursday.

According to a one handed barmaid at the Coffin Nail, two adventurers were sitting at a table with their new henchmen.  Of the adventurers, one of them was a cleric of the Blue Oyster by the name of Imadead and other was the mage, Pepto. 

Of the henchmen, one was a lowly ratcatcher while the second was the dread dog, Murder.  I recommend that everyone read Asiton the Shaking’s account of the Massacre of the Kobold Warren for more information about that grim beast.

Back to the magical incident.  The two adventurers, the henchman and the abomination of nature were sitting at their table when a yellow wind pushed through the tavern doors.  The yellow wind was filled with sand and blinded every one at the bar.  When the wind was gone, so was the table of adventurers!

Curiously, in their place was a worn sleeping bag.  It was identified as belonging to Sbijjin the Warrior, who disappeared one year ago on a quest to explore the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5.

An hour later, at the Coffin Nail, another mage by the name of Balduric came in for a drink.  He sat at the bar and had a mug of the house ale.  Once again a yellow wind came in and blinded everyone.  When the wind was gone, so was Balduric.  Sitting in his place was a thief by the name of Marva or Murva; accounts differ on her name.  The thief however was dead as if dropped from a height of twenty feet.  Curiously, she was already looted.

The thief had been missing for a week; last seen entering the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 with a fighter named Bill the Mauler.

Late that night, a group of adventurers loaded with treasure came in.  Among their numbers were Bill, Pepto, Balduric and Murder.  Bill the Mauler explained while bouncing the one-handed barmaid on his knee that the thief, the cleric and their henchmen had died.  He also explained that various members of their party appeared in the dungeon right after they had taken losses.

Fellow wizards, I have a radical theory that may explain these strange teleports.  As we all know, the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 has been around for quite a few ages.  We have been unable to get an accurate date for its construction due to the well documented effect the place has on wizards.  It has been there forever and it may still be there when we are all Black Puddings.

My theory is this; perhaps the forces of Destiny want this cursed place plundered.  As the great Gaxx once theorized; mysterious places underground exist to be conquered.  The incredible longevity of this forsaken place is simply unnatural.  Some hero should have plundered it by now and returned with treasures beyond imagining.  Instead, the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 just keeps killing adventurers.

I propose that the yellow wind is the hand of destiny.  We all now that the surviving Gods are too weak to care about one dungeon of despair but Destiny may not.  Perhaps it is destined that a group of heroes will break this horrible abode and when a party takes casualties, the hand of Destiny restocks their numbers.  Destiny itself wants this terrible tomb destroyed and Destiny will alter reality to make it happen. 

It is my hopes that my Wind of Destiny theory could be funded for further research.  It is also my hope that this paper will encourage the Tower of Secrets to get me out of Black Pudding Removal Duty. 

~~~~~~Deppix of the Club Foot.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Generous Math

The brave heroes finally emerge from the Tomb of the Blasphemy of Flowers.  They oddly came out with more people then they went in with.

Bill, Pepto, Balduric and Murder come out a crap load of treasure.  There is a spellbook, some boots of leaping and assorted other treasure.  The treasure, split three ways come out to boggling 1,928 gold pieces each.

Experience points wise, you got to split the experience of monsters and treasure with the carnivorous Murder.  This comes out to 1604 experience points each. 

Dude, maybe some of the Riders of Lohan should retire now.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

MIA: One Adventuring Party

It has been a week since Bill the Fighter, Marva the Theif and their henchmen, Yor the Fisherman went down into the Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation.  They did not return that day.  The Crone came back to the Coffin Nail and has been seeking new recruits. 

But what happened to our fearless heroes?  All sorts of crap including a trap that made them lose a week of their lives without even noticing.  Well, the henchman that starved to death certainly noticed.  Now the party is deep in the dungeon with no rations and down to 2 people.  Ouch.

They have amassed quite a bit of treasure.  Sadly, Dungeons and Dragons only gives you credit for treasure if you get back out of the dungeon.  They only get experience for what they have defeated/killed/tricked to go into the starving room.

Bill and Marva have earned 184 experience points to be split 2 ways for a total of 92 exp. 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Podcast #3

No introduction this time, so a quick bit. Somehow my language got a bit coarse this time around, so fair warning. Also, Goblin Gimp Riders and a guy stuck in a hole. Intro music by The Cheese People, and the outro by Manfred Hubler and Siegfried Schwab ("The Lion and the Cucumber" from Vampyros Lesbos).

This time around it was Bill the Mauler (Darius Whiteplume) and Marva the Thief (Joe Tortuga) descending further into the Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation.


To listen, follow this link!