Sunday, August 26, 2012

A Report to the Tower of Secrets

I would like to thank the Tower of Secrets for assigning me this interesting problem.  I am glad to have earned a chance to redeem myself after the unfortunate outbreak of Black Pudding that I most likely had something to do with.

For those of you that have been busy working on your potions, scrolls or Black Pudding fighting, I shall inform you of the strange occurrence of magic that happened this past Thursday.

According to a one handed barmaid at the Coffin Nail, two adventurers were sitting at a table with their new henchmen.  Of the adventurers, one of them was a cleric of the Blue Oyster by the name of Imadead and other was the mage, Pepto. 

Of the henchmen, one was a lowly ratcatcher while the second was the dread dog, Murder.  I recommend that everyone read Asiton the Shaking’s account of the Massacre of the Kobold Warren for more information about that grim beast.

Back to the magical incident.  The two adventurers, the henchman and the abomination of nature were sitting at their table when a yellow wind pushed through the tavern doors.  The yellow wind was filled with sand and blinded every one at the bar.  When the wind was gone, so was the table of adventurers!

Curiously, in their place was a worn sleeping bag.  It was identified as belonging to Sbijjin the Warrior, who disappeared one year ago on a quest to explore the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5.

An hour later, at the Coffin Nail, another mage by the name of Balduric came in for a drink.  He sat at the bar and had a mug of the house ale.  Once again a yellow wind came in and blinded everyone.  When the wind was gone, so was Balduric.  Sitting in his place was a thief by the name of Marva or Murva; accounts differ on her name.  The thief however was dead as if dropped from a height of twenty feet.  Curiously, she was already looted.

The thief had been missing for a week; last seen entering the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 with a fighter named Bill the Mauler.

Late that night, a group of adventurers loaded with treasure came in.  Among their numbers were Bill, Pepto, Balduric and Murder.  Bill the Mauler explained while bouncing the one-handed barmaid on his knee that the thief, the cleric and their henchmen had died.  He also explained that various members of their party appeared in the dungeon right after they had taken losses.

Fellow wizards, I have a radical theory that may explain these strange teleports.  As we all know, the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 has been around for quite a few ages.  We have been unable to get an accurate date for its construction due to the well documented effect the place has on wizards.  It has been there forever and it may still be there when we are all Black Puddings.

My theory is this; perhaps the forces of Destiny want this cursed place plundered.  As the great Gaxx once theorized; mysterious places underground exist to be conquered.  The incredible longevity of this forsaken place is simply unnatural.  Some hero should have plundered it by now and returned with treasures beyond imagining.  Instead, the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 just keeps killing adventurers.

I propose that the yellow wind is the hand of destiny.  We all now that the surviving Gods are too weak to care about one dungeon of despair but Destiny may not.  Perhaps it is destined that a group of heroes will break this horrible abode and when a party takes casualties, the hand of Destiny restocks their numbers.  Destiny itself wants this terrible tomb destroyed and Destiny will alter reality to make it happen. 

It is my hopes that my Wind of Destiny theory could be funded for further research.  It is also my hope that this paper will encourage the Tower of Secrets to get me out of Black Pudding Removal Duty. 

~~~~~~Deppix of the Club Foot.


  1. To be fair, I often forget the names of characters *I* created.

  2. I just think it's funny:)

    I always get made fun of for my names when I GM, so it's cool;)