Urist, the Handsomely Clueless

As a gamer guy with gamer opinions on the gamer internet, I tend to identify with the old-school gaming crowd who wax nostalgic about rolling your ability scores 3d6-in-order and failing saving throws and dying in spectacularly hilarious ways (rolled over by a giant slug, accidentally drinking corrosive slime instead of a healing potion, etc). I love this idea where you're playing in a D&D world that's a heavy metal album cover of oversexed barbarbarians fighting sinister wizards but your actual party of characters is more like the Keystone Kops who just keep accidentally falling down stairs into horribly monster-filled dungeons. So when the awesome Darius Whiteplume of the intensely culturally valuable Adventures in Nerdliness blog offered to run some old-school D&D I found myself chewing on the keyboard in anticipation.

I'm playing a dwarf. His name is Urist Diggerbollox and we're playing Basic/Expert so being a dwarf is not just his genetics but also his job description.

First things first, I bought myself a warhammer because hitting things seemed like a likely eventuality and then I bought a shield because getting hit seemed even more likely.

A number you might find yourself Caring About A Lot in D&D is your armor class, because it is the number that bad guys (or good guys, depending on what sort of trouble you're getting into) have to shoot for to hit you. In delightfully esoteric old-school D&D you're trying to get that number as low as possible and the best way to do this is to buy expensive armor and it turns out once you've bought a big expensive warhammer and a few other things you can't really afford the cool stuff, like that chainmail that Pik is wearing.

I opted for "Padded Armor" which apparently was a totally legit real thing but brings to mind the kind of puffy jacket rap stars used to like to wear, or taken to an absurd extreme might be one of those sumo wrestling suits they make you wear for funny sumofights at the company picnic.

Urist has a pretty high charisma for a dwarf so we decided he was just busting out in some slick denim threads and I think that's a good look for him. Our team's rather embarrassingly clueless but if the whole dying horribly in a deathtrap-laden dungeon gig doesn't totally work out for us we might try a secondary career as medieval male models. How you doin'?

A Cleric is Born

I wanted to play a cleric. After years of running D&D games where I had to create and manage semi realistic religions and deities, I wanted to play a cleric where I could make up my religion as I went along.  Since we were playing Basic D&D where they refuse to even name a deity for fear of offending Christians, I felt like I had free license to just have fun with it.

Since I wanted to play a cleric, I also decided that no matter what stats  I rolled, that bugger was going to be a cleric. Think about real life. If someone is good with numbers, he doesn't automatically become an accountant.  Heck, think about your coworkers.  Are they the best suited people for their jobs?   How many people get jobs because that was what their dads wanted them to do or because it was the only one available?  This boy is gonna be a cleric.

So here we go.

Pik the Acolyte

Strength - 9

Well poop.  Nothing special but at least it is not a handicap.

Intelligence - 3

Oh boy.   According to the rulebook, a 3 Intelligence can't read or write.  In fact, you have to have a 4 Intelligence to read and write Common.  We can extrapolate that I can't even read my own mentally handicapped scribblings.

Pik wasn't dropped on his head, he was dribbled.  Oddly, his inability to read and write is the only in-game restriction he has for his low intelligence.  There is nothing about handling math, chewing rocks or walking into walls.

Right now I am thinking this guy is Sloth from Goonies, just not as strong.

Dexterity - 8

I am not surprised that he is clumsy.  Pik has probably ran into a lot of corners.

Wisdom -12

Ummm.  That is still average but it is high average.  He is wise for a mentally damaged person.  So he knows to avoid fire.

Constitution - 10

Nothing special.

Charisma - 16

Of course.  In Basic D&D you don't get much for charisma.  It does mean that this guy is a likable idiot.  He is a very likable idiot religious figure.  He is proof of concept to most atheists.

Instead of Sloth, I am picturing a handsome idiot, like Rick Perry.

To finish off my character I roll my points.  I am hoping for one hit point so I he can die and I can reroll but nope, got a 6.

With a low roll of 80 gold pieces, I spend every single peice for the following equipment.

Chain mail, mace, backpack and Holy Symbol.

That's it.   With his low intelligence, I am guessing his backpack was tied onto him by others.

I also decided that Pik is a follower of the Blue Oyster Cult.  Obviously his charisma helped him get accepted into the order.  I assume his friends did his homework and got him in.  I mean, the guy can't even read the holy texts.  He's handsome though and people like hm.

So why is he adventuring?  I am guessing that adventuring is what low level acolytes do to prove their faith.   I am guessing that his fellow priests gave him a sign that said "Adventurer For Hire" and took him to the nearest tavern.  They told him not to come back until his backpack is full of treasure. 

Blue Oyster help us all.

The Riders of Lohan!

Many weeks ago, a group of brave adventurers decided to take a crack at playing Basic Dungeons and Dragons.  This small band of heroes, though hoary with age, kids and wives, decided to risk it all and return to the depths of terrible dungeons.  With only their dice and a shaky skype connection, they were known as The Riders of Lohan!