Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Sermon of the Three Acolytes by Vicar Dharma

Today we celebrate a great victory.  Thanks to the Bill the fighter, Harry the Halfling and many posthumous members of the Blue Oyster Cult, we have destroyed the Dark Squid Cult.  This wicked Squid cult was attempting to do blasphemous things that you are not cleared to know about but trust me, it was bad.

I want to speak about three Acolytes who gave their lives today.  As you know, last night was Bingo night and most of us were busy but Wigel had volunteered to help Bill and Harry with their investigations.  I didn’t know Wigel very well and asking around, it appears that not many people did.  I do know one thing about Wigel, he was a brave one and he was ready for adventure.

Last night at the height of Bingo night, three foul flesh eating abominations did attack the temple.  From what Bill tells me, Wigel thought the monsters were Ogres and yet he still charged them armed with nothing more than a mace, some crappy leather amour and his faith.   

The ghouls killed him instantly.  Wigel died attacking evil and for that, we praise him.  He did not fear the Reaper.  May he receive his ninety-nine groupies at the Four Winds Bar.

Almost before Wigel’s lifeless body hit the ground, another Acolyte, Wandex, came into the Temple foyer.  She was supposed to be working security on Bingo night but she was delayed by the rain.  She saw the foul monsters and aided Bill and Harry in defeating them.

Ah Wandex, she was a good Acolyte.  Her raven black hair and leather bra armor was an inspiration to us all.   

It was at this time that I came upon the Temple and saw the horrors that had been committed.  We consigned Wigel’s poor body to the dead Acolyte dias and I called upon the Blue Oyster to heal their wounds.  I also gave them a powerful scroll that when used, would call upon the Oyster’s aid in combat. 

Armed and healed, the three heroes went off to find the source of the Squid cult.  It was a dark and stormy night.  It was if nature itself was weeping for all the fallen Acolytes.

They found a bound demon at the former residence of a Squid cult member.  Wandex threatened the demon with holy retribution if it did not give up its secrets.  Bill and Harry tell me that Wandex used clever religious arguments as well as the threat of endless Acolyte retribution.  The demon told them all they needed.

So off they went.  Deep into a secret underground temple where ghouls stalked the halls and human thugs did the bidding of dark masters.  Bill and Harry assure me that they slayed hundreds of these foul creatures.

Alas, Wandex fell in battle against thirty foul cultists.  She did not fear the Reaper.  May she receive her ninety-nine groupies at the Four Winds Bar.

When Bill and Harry were down to one cultist, he offered his life in exchange for the freedom of a bound and tortured Acolyte.  Bill and Harry did so and behold!  They discovered the bound and beaten body of Frenckle.  They freed him and they gave him the sacred scroll that I gave them.

Let us take a moment and praise Frenckle.  The poor Acolyte was taken from the streets and brought to this foul temple for some dark forbidden reason.  Let us not dwell on what cephalopods may have sexually abuse him or what dark and foul instruments of torture were applied to his defenseless body.  Just realize that he was tortured and probably horribly mentally scarred for life but what does this Acolyte do?  He takes up his arms and joins the fight.

Now, I have to be a little vague here on what happens next.  There are some mysteries that normal men and even Acolytes are not meant to know.  Just know that there was a big fight over a vast pit of evil.  Floating magical platforms rotated and spun while wicked mages sacrificed people to unnameable gods.   Know that Frenckle used the scroll that I gave them and the Power of the Oyster protected them and allowed them to smite their countless enemies.

Know that Harry the Halfling fired arrow after arrow into dark wizards and lo!  They fell into the pit.

Know that Bill the Fighter used his martial prowess to slay wicked cultists and lo! They fell into the pit.

Know that Frenckle the Acolyte did a lot of shoving of ghouls and lo! They fell into the pit.

Someone was rescued and that someone paid a lot of money to the Temple so that their identity will remain hidden but lo! They were important and they owe a debt of gratitude to the Blue Oyster.

So what lesson can we learn here, believers?  I have told you of three Acolytes and their contributions to the destruction of a dark god.  I have told you a tale of bravery and death.  Obviously there is only one conclusion that can be derived.

Mages suck.

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