In the Halls of The Dread Prince

Desiring some amusement, and perhaps a thinning of the adventuring herd, The Dread Prince, ruler of the land of Yem, has summoned The Riders of Lohan to his royal pressence. To what end? A simple task. One so simple you would think any of his army could accomplish it, but when you live eternally you need all the entertainment you can get, and what better entertainment is their than convincing some warm-fleshies to go on a dangerous mission with no promise of reward?

So, off to the library... an ancient place with no apparent name; at least not one that was discovered. Fortunately, The Dread Prince said nothing about not looting the library, nor about taking a cut (perhaps the tax man will have something to say there).

Ultimately, here is the experience and gold breakdown per character:

Total gold split: 42,000gp
Total fighting experience split: 59xp
Total XP: 42,059xp each

Sadly, you can only gain one level at a time, so much of this xp will go to waste, but money is money, eh?

Itemized bill of sale:

Treasure

12,000ep (6000gp)
15 pieces of jewelry, 162,000gp total
2 potions, healing and invisibility
scroll of knock
ring of invisibility (went to John)

gp total: 168,000

split: 42,000gp

Experience

Enemy party
 * Dwarf (1) - 5
 * Halfling (1) - 5
 * Thief (1) - 5
 * Cleric (1) - 5
 * Magic-user, level 3 (Dr. Peabody) (3**) - 50

XP: 70

3D Portal
 * Elf (1+1*) - 19

XP: 19

Library
 * Crab Spider (2*) - 25
 * Medusa librarian (4*) - 125

XP: 150

Total: 239xp
Split: 59

XP Total: 42,059

Vampires can Suck It, right?

We finished the Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations this evening!

Bill the Mauler and Mindark the Wise hired three more unsuspecting dupes to venture into the clusterfuck up in the Tower of Unfathomable Secrets, only to encounter Ghosts, Doppleglimmers, Werewolves and Vampires (oh my!).

Let it be known that the fell creature known as Magus Otto Von Brisbane and his vicious concubines met their end in the master tower on this date, Brisbane himself skewered through the heart by a gold Varsguard cross, and Mindark the Wise now possesses his arcane secrets as well as his Robe of Eyes. Bill the Mauler now possesses a headache and a lingering feeling of guilt over trying to kill his ex-Stripper henchwoman "Jersey" Caramel while dominated.

Here's my master map, all secrets revealed:

The Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations

Mindark the Wise (Wisdom: 4), magician and thumb-separator, has decided to try this whole "Adventuring" thing on for size and has managed to convince Bill the Mauler to help him clean out a wing of the Tower of Unfathomable Secrets known as The Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations or more colloquially "that clusterfuck of towers there on the left".

Rumor has it that old Magus Otto Von Brisbane is holed up in there somewhere but according to the mad mage Doug Douglason he's "never been quite the same since he started eating human flesh". Nonetheless the council of wizards has promised Mindark that if they manage to find him they'll finally teach him how to cast Read Magic.

Here's where they've explored so far:

Hireling Vladimir Putin got his head bitten off by a massive Tarantella Spider in the north tower but otherwise there's been a significant haul from the Sequestrium so far, including a spellbook with Mirror Image and Magic Missile, as well as three scrolls and a magic dagger and some 1500 gold pieces.

Edit: A lucky roll on my Narrative Critical Hit table has resulting in Mindark also acquiring a dagger coated in Tarantella poison, which promises potential entertainment at parties and nightclub fights.

Followers of the Twisted Gear

It is a mistake to think that all Dwarves act alike.  Sure, most of the Dwarves you meet will love to mine, have a fondness for gold and would happily spend entire lifetimes digging, finding secret doors and collecting gold.  That is because the other kind of Dwarves don’t hang out in bars and mines.  They are too busy making really weird shit.

They call themselves the Followers of the Twisted Gear.  These Dwarves have left their homes in search of something more intellectual than digging and mining.  Many times their numbers include adolescent Dwarves who are rebelling against the old ways.  They have shave their beards in an act of defiance for the old ways and instead let their hair grow to ridiculous heights; often using the blood of others for their hair gel.  They pierce their skin with gears and tools.  The Followers of the Twisted Gear is a refuge for Dwarves of a Chaotic alignment.

And what do these Twisted Gear Dwarves do?  They invent.  They seek out dark places of wicked evil to absorb inspiration.  They lurk in infamous tombs.  They have long drinking parties in cursed cemeteries.  They squat in abandoned hideouts of long dead villains.  Anywhere that evil once reigned; the Followers of the Twisted Gear will take residence for inspiration.

In time, one Dwarf will get an inspiration.  He will develop a mania to build a great device.  The device is almost always made from the remains of living creatures and these devices are often mistaken as tools of necromancers.  Sometimes living creatures are trapped in the devices as if their very suffering is part of the mechanism.  These manic Dwarves will incorporate magic and technology in strange hybrid manners that

The purpose of the device vary from creation to creation.  They rarely create something practical as that is too much like the normal Dwarves that they scorn.  No, the Followers of the Twisted Gear might make a mirror that shows you random events across time and space.  They might make a ship that travels through underwater but it never stops traveling; condemning the passengers to eternal wondering.  Or they might make a pair of pointy shoes that bestows any effect on the potion table every time you put them on. 

Dwarves of the Twisted Gear will have the same stats and organization of normal Dwarves in your campaign.  Despite their desire to be different, some habits are just hard to break.  Each lair of the Followers will have D3 random devices that are each unique in the world.   

Barbaric Math

After a two week delay, I have finally had enough peace of mind to do some party math.

The players received 315 gold pieces each.  Filling in the fog of the map doesn't pay much.

Because the experience points was split three ways between the survivors, the exp is 143.  Kind of measly but dungeoning ain't easy.

Axe-Boots of Door Kicking

Often found in the occasional Dwarven tomb buried with those warriors who subscribed to this unusual fashion trend, Axe-boots of Door Kicking are a rather garish accessory designed for those who have a particular loathing for wooden doors of all types. Though not often prone to dancing, the dwarves of the Diggerbollox clan at one point developed a peculiar type of partner dance using these axe-boots that required a modicum of grace and skill in order not to prove fatal for bystanders.

In Basic D&D, it requires a 1 or 2 rolled on a d6 to force open a stuck door (which tends to be most of them). Wearing Axe-Boots automatically increases that chance to 1 through 4, strength bonuses/penalties applying (though still no greater than 1-5). What's more, the door is destroyed and no longer prevents passage until repaired, making for easier flight from the dungeon if needed (though also easier for those chasing).

However, on a 6, the kicking character does not in fact manage to break the door, and their boot is stuck at kicking level, making things awkward, especially if a creature, hearing something, decides to open it from the other side. It takes a least a round to pull the foot free from the door.

Other disadvantages to wearing Axe-Boots might be easy trackability, slower speed, occasionally challenged to dwarven dance-offs, and the potential for inadvertant haircuts or decapitations when the Axe-Boot wearer is drunkenly swinging from chandeliers.

If a pair of Axe-Boots are found, there is a chance they are magical, consult the chart below:

1. A normal, mundane pair of Axe-Boots.
2. A normal pair of Axe-Boots, except with heels.
3. These Axe-Boots are fucking fabulous.
4. These Platform Axe-Boots add 6 inches of height to the wearer, as well as increased pimpitude.
5. The rare alternate, a pair of Hammer-Boots. Wearer can always be heard coming on all but the softest ground, but Hammer-Boots work on stone doors as well as wooden.
6. These Axe-Boots are specially engineered for groin kicks and can be used as a 1d6-damaging weapon if a week is spent practicing with them, doing triple damage on criticals against sensitive-groin-possessing enemies.
7. These Axe-Boots have a minor enchantment to enhance the dancing of the wearer - Any dancing they perform will be of such consummate skill as to impress all observers, however there is a 10% chance that any combat will be interpreted by the boots as an excuse to start dancing.
8. These Axe-Boots work as +1 weapons, as listed as above, and are considered highly valuable.
9. If worn by a non-dwarf, these cursed Axe-Boots cannot be taken off, and unless remove Curse is cast, in one week the wearer will gradually turn into a dwarf with an overwhelming hatred of all wooden doors everywhere. If worn by a dwarf, they function as regular +1 Axe-Boots.
10. Axe-Boots of Portalmancy. There is a 5% chance that these Axe-Boots, when destroying a door, opens a 2-way teleportation portal (on a 1-2) to the entrance of the dungeon, (on a 3-4) to the nearest town or city, (on a 5) to a random door on the next level of the dungeon, if there is one, (on a 6) directly to the most powerful creature in the dungeon, though surprise chance is doubled. The portal lasts for one hour.

Level 1 So Far

One night Bill starts drinking and a friendly scribe begins making a map of the adventures that have been had so far in the "Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation"