A Typical Night at the Coffin Nail

It is the height of summer in Yem, and a fresh blanket of snow is being laid over the island. You approach The Coffin Nail, whose smoking chimney promises warmth and reasonably good food. At the corner of the building, several chained ghouls snarl as you approach. They bear The Dread Prince's brand, and are common enough a sight.

As you swing the door open, you hear a heated debate. A strange beardless dwarf is arguing with one of the regulars.

"I tell you, a lich is down there," the dwarf exclaims.

"There's no lich in that castle, maybe a ghoul," an old man replies. 

"A lich!"

"A GHOUL!"

"Let's ask the Ghoul Master," the dwarf says, "Avaric, could a ghoul survive down there?"

"Well, strictly speaking, no," the uniformed elf replies. "The biggest problem with ghouls is how dependent they are on a supply of fresh corpses. We use them as shock troops, but they are not very reliable. Start an assault, and they immediately run to the closest graveyard."

"So, it's not a ghoul," the dwarf says.

"Well, it ain't a lich, I can tell you that," replies the old man. "We should ask Archibald, he'd know."

From a corner you suddenly realize you never look into, a shimmering begins. The form of a once-corpulent, now quite dead man appears. His ancient robes hang moth-eaten over his shoulders. Tiny pin-pricks of light shine in his deep-set eye sockets. A voice from the depths of your worst nightmares begins to speak. Your skin crawls as Archibald begins...

"Nope, no lich in that castle," the lich begins, "I daresay I know every lich in Yem, and there was never one in that castle. I remember the days when that was a thriving way-station for traders headed north. Those were better days..."

"Aw, what does he know?" the dwarf exclaims. "What kind of lich hangs out in a bar all day, anyway?"

The black bolt of lightning strikes the dwarf before you realize what is happening. Everything goes black for a moment... When your vision returns, the bartender is sweeping up a pile of ash. You look desperately at the corner for an answer to your confusion, but see nothing but a table that has not been cleaned in months.

"Bartender," you say, "what happened to the man at that table?"

"Don't know what you're talking about friend," he replies, "finish your drink." He pours the ash from the dustpan into a large bottle, and sets it behind the bar.

Our Stolen Mug

Recently the Great Run Mug of the Diggerbollox Clan was lost in a bar fight. Here is the epic song that was sung before the quest to retrieve it.

Far across the dirty alleys cold,
To basements deep and sewers old
We must away, without a hug
To find our just now stolen mug

The Dwarves of yore, made a mighty mug,
While brewers brewed, their potent beer,
In places deep, where dragons sleep,
In ringing halls, we drank our cheer

Our cousin drank, at the Fatal Wound,
He brought the mug, as was his right,
The humans craved, that mug of gold
They tugged his beard to start a fight

The fists were flying right to the crotch,
The beer was pouring from the kegs,
The fight was great, with broken bones,
The chairs like hammers fell on legs.

Far across the dirty alleys cold,
To basements deep and sewers old
We must away, without a hug
To find our just now stolen mug

One Year Anniversary!

We started this campaign - and this blog - about a year ago, and while we haven't gotten a chance to play recently, it hasn't been for lack of trying.

In fond memoriam of original gangstas Urist Diggerbollox and Pik the Acolyte, I'd like to pour one out in contemplation of their short and poetic lives in the bowels of Yem. Thusly, I present their theme song:

Urist's cousin Richter still lives on, and Yem's temple of the Blue Oyster Cult thrives (largely on the lucrative insurance returns of an army of dead acolytes). I hope this campaign (and blog) continue on for many more a year.

Hireling Names

I'm convinced a good hireling name is one that instantly gives you everything you need to know about them just from their name. I took ten minutes and brainstormed a bunch for handy use in the vein of Scrap Princess's awesome name list over here.

Of similarly awesome use is Ian's recently posted list of things psychotic people will yell at you pulled from the Borderlands game.

Torchbearers:

• Pig
• Old Mottley
• Huggert
• Li'l Zed
• Stinky
• Len Dumbass
• Stickfoot
• Nigel Sodpants
• Louse

Men-(and women)-at-arms:

• Droig
• Black Maggie
• Rufus
• Elonzo
• Vosh Vestra
• Angry Jenny
• Grumble Crumbles
• Beagelwitz
• Kur Bulgestein
• Gustvolt von Pike

Veterans:

• Bertha
• Van Duggen
• Grimes
• Eggers
• Gram Stabbo
• Reverend Slurry
• Sister Magdalena
• Gunt Whistler

Packhorses (aka treasure carriers):

• Bob
• Gus
• Chronic
• Lazy Ned
• Mule
• Lefty
• Curtis
• Tunk

Thieves:

• Los Loster
• Midnight
• Jack Shadow
• Whisper
• Scuttles
• Sausage Fingers
• Silas the Glove
• Eliza Cabbage

Magicians:

• Delzor
• Voth the Mundane
• El Hadazar
• James Brown
• Casper Varley
• Carlito Maglioni

Dwarves:

• Grim Grimmorson
• Podge
• Vargas
• Dirty Krodo
• Loambeard Stoutgut
• Unger Derpson
• Frugal Sal

Elves:

• "Doug" Silverspear
• Amaril
• Leandra
• Mute Fortha
• Beaumont
• Maple Maloney

Other:

• Carnage the Wardog
• Drazzle (doppleganger)
• Handsome Jack (asshole Aasimar)
• E. Lester Hicks, time traveler
• Puddin' (polymorphed ooze)

Edit: Updated with some fun contributions from the G+ crowd.

Mid-Level Starting Character Random Quirk Table

"What happened to them?"

Good things, bad things, but most importantly interesting things. Compiled with help from cool people on G+. It's a d50 table - you could just do the d100/subtract 50 if over 50 thing.

1. Has a cursed (but bonused) shield that cannot be taken off, making eating, sleeping, hugging, etc. difficult.
2. Two fingers once bitten off by a bullywug, including the family ring. The Bullywug got away.
3. Love/hate relationship with a pixie who has taken up residence in beard, hair or hat.
4. Somehow learned how to speak to oozes.
5. Spellbook has acquired intelligence, may require charisma rolls to convince it to let you learn spells.
6. Character has started growing vestigial wings. Can't wear plate mail (and has to have other armor adjusted), but can fly for level in rounds, after which exhausted.
7. Feet replaced by cloven hooves.
8. Always smells of cinnamon.
9. Looks exactly like famous prince/infamous baron.
10. Blood replaced by tiny insects after jaunt in Carcosa, terrified of insects.
11. Had renounced money - spends it as quickly as possible on insect themed totems for 'protection' (but really on any other grandiose project or odd addiction.)
12. Former Henchwoman now assassin for one woman death cult - still friendly though.
13. Has an arrow stuck in their head.  Removing the arrow would cause brain damage. No other effects.
14. Has acquired a touch of lycanthropy, body part may occasional become furry and violent.
15. Heterochromia (different colored eyes) -- one normal, and one with complete light blindness, but sees perfectly in dark/low-light settings.  Now wears an eye-patch and switches it back and forth, depending on lighting. Depth perception is totally screwed up now and can't shoot worth a darn.
16. Touch of undeath - Brought to 0hp so many times the character can now be turned like the undead.
17. Has developed an awkward, and outwardly obvious twitch when around or discussing gold.
18. IT BUUUURNS!: Was hit by green slime in the past and lived, but with horrible scarring. 1d6: (1-3 head/face, 4 torso, 5 arm, 6 leg)
19. Papa/Mama?: Took in a kobold baby, now grown up. Treat as fanatically loyal henchman with kobold stats. Unless they learns the truth of what happened to their parents...
20. After years of dungeon crawling, has developed a taste for spider webs. Yes, eating them. 
21. After a chance encounter that nearly killed them, the character has become terrified of certain vegetables and fruit.
22. Was a living sacrifice, and had his heart ripped out by Lolth.  Shortly after, his body was "liberated" and resurrected, but the Priestess still has his now-beating heart in a jar in her bedroom on a side table.
23. Starts uncontrollably itching under the armor when near poisonous traps and monsters.
24. Stalked: An invisible stalker has somehow become infatuated with the character. They won't attack the character directly, but will be hostile towards any who show affection towards the character.
25. Magic Robot Hand. What it says on the tin, partially translucent.
26. Teeth are filed to sharp points.
27. Tattoo in checkerboard pattern, all over.
28. Swallowed by a whale. Survived, but can now breathe underwater.
29. PC only requires alcohol to satisfy nutritional and hydrational needs. Only alcohol satisfies these needs. PC still gets drunk at normal rate.
30. Tinkerbell: You can animate your shadow, but it doesn't always follow orders. 
31. You are the familiar for a wizard no one has seen for one thousand years. 
32. Half a treasure map is tattooed on your back.
33. You are a person transported from 21st century earth to the setting by mysterious means.
34. Pie In The Sky: Every week you go without a piece of pie, you lose a finger. Extra pie can help grow lost digits back...
35. Your urine heals wounds. 
36. Teeth can be pulled out and used as grenades. For each goblin you blast away, you travel another mile on the ugly road...
37. Cool tail, bro.
38. Immune to fear because the voices in your head tell you not to worry. 
39. In complete darkness, your eyes shine like spotlights.
40. There is a demon seed implanted in your chest. 1 in 6 chance direct blows to body damage the demon instead of you. 
41. You have a reputation as a great swordsman, wizard, whatever. Losers come crawling out of the woodwork to challenge you.
42. Your skin is green from radioactive stirge bites back at level one.
43. You are covered with inexplicable scars, including bullet holes, sword cuts, claw marks, burns, frostbite discolorations, a Y shaped autopsy suture and inexplicably a suture completely encircling the neck - may actually be a Frankenstein.
44. Keeps trophies of slain monsters. Others terribly creeped out by collection of untanned goblin ears, dark elf scalps, fire beetle antenna, pixie skulls and giant rat tails. Of course the stinking mess is proudly displyed on your armor/clothes at all times.
45. Addicted to gambling, ogre gland extract and/or psychedelic cave lichen.
46. You sold your soul to the devil in exchange for something you have yet to claim. He gets to call in the debt as soon as you complete the wishing. 
47. You own a magical horse, and can summon it with a whistle. It's pretty clever and brave, and can survive on its own without supervision when you send it off.
48. The local cat community owes you one, and will help you out when it can. This is just housecats and the smaller wildcats, though, no lions or magical beasts.
49. You now age backwards at twice the natural rate. If you don't get magically aged you'll have to give up adventuring very quickly.
50. Due to transdimensional mind-shift, you actually DO know everything your player knows. 

In the Halls of The Dread Prince

Desiring some amusement, and perhaps a thinning of the adventuring herd, The Dread Prince, ruler of the land of Yem, has summoned The Riders of Lohan to his royal pressence. To what end? A simple task. One so simple you would think any of his army could accomplish it, but when you live eternally you need all the entertainment you can get, and what better entertainment is their than convincing some warm-fleshies to go on a dangerous mission with no promise of reward?

So, off to the library... an ancient place with no apparent name; at least not one that was discovered. Fortunately, The Dread Prince said nothing about not looting the library, nor about taking a cut (perhaps the tax man will have something to say there).

Ultimately, here is the experience and gold breakdown per character:

Total gold split: 42,000gp
Total fighting experience split: 59xp
Total XP: 42,059xp each

Sadly, you can only gain one level at a time, so much of this xp will go to waste, but money is money, eh?

Itemized bill of sale:

Treasure

12,000ep (6000gp)
15 pieces of jewelry, 162,000gp total
2 potions, healing and invisibility
scroll of knock
ring of invisibility (went to John)

gp total: 168,000

split: 42,000gp

Experience

Enemy party
 * Dwarf (1) - 5
 * Halfling (1) - 5
 * Thief (1) - 5
 * Cleric (1) - 5
 * Magic-user, level 3 (Dr. Peabody) (3**) - 50

XP: 70

3D Portal
 * Elf (1+1*) - 19

XP: 19

Library
 * Crab Spider (2*) - 25
 * Medusa librarian (4*) - 125

XP: 150

Total: 239xp
Split: 59

XP Total: 42,059

Vampires can Suck It, right?

We finished the Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations this evening!

Bill the Mauler and Mindark the Wise hired three more unsuspecting dupes to venture into the clusterfuck up in the Tower of Unfathomable Secrets, only to encounter Ghosts, Doppleglimmers, Werewolves and Vampires (oh my!).

Let it be known that the fell creature known as Magus Otto Von Brisbane and his vicious concubines met their end in the master tower on this date, Brisbane himself skewered through the heart by a gold Varsguard cross, and Mindark the Wise now possesses his arcane secrets as well as his Robe of Eyes. Bill the Mauler now possesses a headache and a lingering feeling of guilt over trying to kill his ex-Stripper henchwoman "Jersey" Caramel while dominated.

Here's my master map, all secrets revealed:

The Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations

Mindark the Wise (Wisdom: 4), magician and thumb-separator, has decided to try this whole "Adventuring" thing on for size and has managed to convince Bill the Mauler to help him clean out a wing of the Tower of Unfathomable Secrets known as The Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations or more colloquially "that clusterfuck of towers there on the left".

Rumor has it that old Magus Otto Von Brisbane is holed up in there somewhere but according to the mad mage Doug Douglason he's "never been quite the same since he started eating human flesh". Nonetheless the council of wizards has promised Mindark that if they manage to find him they'll finally teach him how to cast Read Magic.

Here's where they've explored so far:

Hireling Vladimir Putin got his head bitten off by a massive Tarantella Spider in the north tower but otherwise there's been a significant haul from the Sequestrium so far, including a spellbook with Mirror Image and Magic Missile, as well as three scrolls and a magic dagger and some 1500 gold pieces.

Edit: A lucky roll on my Narrative Critical Hit table has resulting in Mindark also acquiring a dagger coated in Tarantella poison, which promises potential entertainment at parties and nightclub fights.

Followers of the Twisted Gear

It is a mistake to think that all Dwarves act alike.  Sure, most of the Dwarves you meet will love to mine, have a fondness for gold and would happily spend entire lifetimes digging, finding secret doors and collecting gold.  That is because the other kind of Dwarves don’t hang out in bars and mines.  They are too busy making really weird shit.

They call themselves the Followers of the Twisted Gear.  These Dwarves have left their homes in search of something more intellectual than digging and mining.  Many times their numbers include adolescent Dwarves who are rebelling against the old ways.  They have shave their beards in an act of defiance for the old ways and instead let their hair grow to ridiculous heights; often using the blood of others for their hair gel.  They pierce their skin with gears and tools.  The Followers of the Twisted Gear is a refuge for Dwarves of a Chaotic alignment.

And what do these Twisted Gear Dwarves do?  They invent.  They seek out dark places of wicked evil to absorb inspiration.  They lurk in infamous tombs.  They have long drinking parties in cursed cemeteries.  They squat in abandoned hideouts of long dead villains.  Anywhere that evil once reigned; the Followers of the Twisted Gear will take residence for inspiration.

In time, one Dwarf will get an inspiration.  He will develop a mania to build a great device.  The device is almost always made from the remains of living creatures and these devices are often mistaken as tools of necromancers.  Sometimes living creatures are trapped in the devices as if their very suffering is part of the mechanism.  These manic Dwarves will incorporate magic and technology in strange hybrid manners that

The purpose of the device vary from creation to creation.  They rarely create something practical as that is too much like the normal Dwarves that they scorn.  No, the Followers of the Twisted Gear might make a mirror that shows you random events across time and space.  They might make a ship that travels through underwater but it never stops traveling; condemning the passengers to eternal wondering.  Or they might make a pair of pointy shoes that bestows any effect on the potion table every time you put them on. 

Dwarves of the Twisted Gear will have the same stats and organization of normal Dwarves in your campaign.  Despite their desire to be different, some habits are just hard to break.  Each lair of the Followers will have D3 random devices that are each unique in the world.   

Barbaric Math

After a two week delay, I have finally had enough peace of mind to do some party math.

The players received 315 gold pieces each.  Filling in the fog of the map doesn't pay much.

Because the experience points was split three ways between the survivors, the exp is 143.  Kind of measly but dungeoning ain't easy.

Axe-Boots of Door Kicking

Often found in the occasional Dwarven tomb buried with those warriors who subscribed to this unusual fashion trend, Axe-boots of Door Kicking are a rather garish accessory designed for those who have a particular loathing for wooden doors of all types. Though not often prone to dancing, the dwarves of the Diggerbollox clan at one point developed a peculiar type of partner dance using these axe-boots that required a modicum of grace and skill in order not to prove fatal for bystanders.

In Basic D&D, it requires a 1 or 2 rolled on a d6 to force open a stuck door (which tends to be most of them). Wearing Axe-Boots automatically increases that chance to 1 through 4, strength bonuses/penalties applying (though still no greater than 1-5). What's more, the door is destroyed and no longer prevents passage until repaired, making for easier flight from the dungeon if needed (though also easier for those chasing).

However, on a 6, the kicking character does not in fact manage to break the door, and their boot is stuck at kicking level, making things awkward, especially if a creature, hearing something, decides to open it from the other side. It takes a least a round to pull the foot free from the door.

Other disadvantages to wearing Axe-Boots might be easy trackability, slower speed, occasionally challenged to dwarven dance-offs, and the potential for inadvertant haircuts or decapitations when the Axe-Boot wearer is drunkenly swinging from chandeliers.

If a pair of Axe-Boots are found, there is a chance they are magical, consult the chart below:

1. A normal, mundane pair of Axe-Boots.
2. A normal pair of Axe-Boots, except with heels.
3. These Axe-Boots are fucking fabulous.
4. These Platform Axe-Boots add 6 inches of height to the wearer, as well as increased pimpitude.
5. The rare alternate, a pair of Hammer-Boots. Wearer can always be heard coming on all but the softest ground, but Hammer-Boots work on stone doors as well as wooden.
6. These Axe-Boots are specially engineered for groin kicks and can be used as a 1d6-damaging weapon if a week is spent practicing with them, doing triple damage on criticals against sensitive-groin-possessing enemies.
7. These Axe-Boots have a minor enchantment to enhance the dancing of the wearer - Any dancing they perform will be of such consummate skill as to impress all observers, however there is a 10% chance that any combat will be interpreted by the boots as an excuse to start dancing.
8. These Axe-Boots work as +1 weapons, as listed as above, and are considered highly valuable.
9. If worn by a non-dwarf, these cursed Axe-Boots cannot be taken off, and unless remove Curse is cast, in one week the wearer will gradually turn into a dwarf with an overwhelming hatred of all wooden doors everywhere. If worn by a dwarf, they function as regular +1 Axe-Boots.
10. Axe-Boots of Portalmancy. There is a 5% chance that these Axe-Boots, when destroying a door, opens a 2-way teleportation portal (on a 1-2) to the entrance of the dungeon, (on a 3-4) to the nearest town or city, (on a 5) to a random door on the next level of the dungeon, if there is one, (on a 6) directly to the most powerful creature in the dungeon, though surprise chance is doubled. The portal lasts for one hour.

Level 1 So Far

One night Bill starts drinking and a friendly scribe begins making a map of the adventures that have been had so far in the "Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation"

A Report to the Tower of Secrets

I would like to thank the Tower of Secrets for assigning me this interesting problem.  I am glad to have earned a chance to redeem myself after the unfortunate outbreak of Black Pudding that I most likely had something to do with.

For those of you that have been busy working on your potions, scrolls or Black Pudding fighting, I shall inform you of the strange occurrence of magic that happened this past Thursday.

According to a one handed barmaid at the Coffin Nail, two adventurers were sitting at a table with their new henchmen.  Of the adventurers, one of them was a cleric of the Blue Oyster by the name of Imadead and other was the mage, Pepto. 

Of the henchmen, one was a lowly ratcatcher while the second was the dread dog, Murder.  I recommend that everyone read Asiton the Shaking’s account of the Massacre of the Kobold Warren for more information about that grim beast.

Back to the magical incident.  The two adventurers, the henchman and the abomination of nature were sitting at their table when a yellow wind pushed through the tavern doors.  The yellow wind was filled with sand and blinded every one at the bar.  When the wind was gone, so was the table of adventurers!

Curiously, in their place was a worn sleeping bag.  It was identified as belonging to Sbijjin the Warrior, who disappeared one year ago on a quest to explore the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5.

An hour later, at the Coffin Nail, another mage by the name of Balduric came in for a drink.  He sat at the bar and had a mug of the house ale.  Once again a yellow wind came in and blinded everyone.  When the wind was gone, so was Balduric.  Sitting in his place was a thief by the name of Marva or Murva; accounts differ on her name.  The thief however was dead as if dropped from a height of twenty feet.  Curiously, she was already looted.

The thief had been missing for a week; last seen entering the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 with a fighter named Bill the Mauler.

Late that night, a group of adventurers loaded with treasure came in.  Among their numbers were Bill, Pepto, Balduric and Murder.  Bill the Mauler explained while bouncing the one-handed barmaid on his knee that the thief, the cleric and their henchmen had died.  He also explained that various members of their party appeared in the dungeon right after they had taken losses.

Fellow wizards, I have a radical theory that may explain these strange teleports.  As we all know, the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 has been around for quite a few ages.  We have been unable to get an accurate date for its construction due to the well documented effect the place has on wizards.  It has been there forever and it may still be there when we are all Black Puddings.

My theory is this; perhaps the forces of Destiny want this cursed place plundered.  As the great Gaxx once theorized; mysterious places underground exist to be conquered.  The incredible longevity of this forsaken place is simply unnatural.  Some hero should have plundered it by now and returned with treasures beyond imagining.  Instead, the Tomb That We Do Not Name #5 just keeps killing adventurers.

I propose that the yellow wind is the hand of destiny.  We all now that the surviving Gods are too weak to care about one dungeon of despair but Destiny may not.  Perhaps it is destined that a group of heroes will break this horrible abode and when a party takes casualties, the hand of Destiny restocks their numbers.  Destiny itself wants this terrible tomb destroyed and Destiny will alter reality to make it happen. 

It is my hopes that my Wind of Destiny theory could be funded for further research.  It is also my hope that this paper will encourage the Tower of Secrets to get me out of Black Pudding Removal Duty. 

~~~~~~Deppix of the Club Foot.

Generous Math

The brave heroes finally emerge from the Tomb of the Blasphemy of Flowers.  They oddly came out with more people then they went in with.

Bill, Pepto, Balduric and Murder come out a crap load of treasure.  There is a spellbook, some boots of leaping and assorted other treasure.  The treasure, split three ways come out to boggling 1,928 gold pieces each.

Experience points wise, you got to split the experience of monsters and treasure with the carnivorous Murder.  This comes out to 1604 experience points each. 

Dude, maybe some of the Riders of Lohan should retire now.

MIA: One Adventuring Party

It has been a week since Bill the Fighter, Marva the Theif and their henchmen, Yor the Fisherman went down into the Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation.  They did not return that day.  The Crone came back to the Coffin Nail and has been seeking new recruits. 

But what happened to our fearless heroes?  All sorts of crap including a trap that made them lose a week of their lives without even noticing.  Well, the henchman that starved to death certainly noticed.  Now the party is deep in the dungeon with no rations and down to 2 people.  Ouch.

They have amassed quite a bit of treasure.  Sadly, Dungeons and Dragons only gives you credit for treasure if you get back out of the dungeon.  They only get experience for what they have defeated/killed/tricked to go into the starving room.

Bill and Marva have earned 184 experience points to be split 2 ways for a total of 92 exp. 

Podcast #3

No introduction this time, so a quick bit. Somehow my language got a bit coarse this time around, so fair warning. Also, Goblin Gimp Riders and a guy stuck in a hole. Intro music by The Cheese People, and the outro by Manfred Hubler and Siegfried Schwab ("The Lion and the Cucumber" from Vampyros Lesbos).

This time around it was Bill the Mauler (Darius Whiteplume) and Marva the Thief (Joe Tortuga) descending further into the Croney Pit of Goblin Genital Mutilation.

 

To listen, follow this link!

Surviving The Dungeon, Expeditiously

This week's question: How high should a wizard hike up their skirt when fleeing for their life?

(roll 1d6)

1. Knee-level. You've only got to outrun the fighter, who is wearing full-plate anyway so he can soak a hit or two before going down, right?
2. Thigh-high. This provides a solid maneuverability for kicking down obstacle doors that might be in your way. There's already Stars and Moons on your robes, so a little extra flash of moon isn't going to be noticeable.
3. Waist-high. Pursuers may have to roll a saving throw vs. Death Ray/Poison, depending on hygiene or dungeon diet.
4. Can't actually bend over to grab a hem. Oh wait, that's the player, not the player character.
5. Creative Use of a Floating Disc spell. Put some Juice in your Caboose. Choo-choo noises optional.
6. The Drawer-Dropper. For the truly desperate, this technique has only paid off once when Izridian the Invoker kept his spare spell components someplace "extra safe" and the pursuing flailsnail had a reaction to his Mystic Bathsalts.

Podcast #2

The continuing adventure of the Riders of Lohan brings them back to The Blasphemy of Flowers. If you missed the first episode, it can be found at the same link below.

Our DM this time is Shon Richards, and our cast of Player Characters is:

• Pepto the Abysmal, 1st level Magic-User (Kirin)
• Bill the Mauler, 1st level Fighter (Darius Whiteplume)
• Ernest, the past-his-prime Fighter (NPC) 
• Raz, the outlaw  mage (NPC)

Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to comment below!

 

To listen, follow this link!

Ye Olde Coffin Nail

Every adventurer needs to know where the local "find an adventure and hire henchmen" tavern is. In our version of Yem, that tavern is Ye Olde Coffin Nail.

The name comes from Yem's tendency to have necromancers and undead running around. Likely the original owner thought it would attract upscale magi business, but today the place has become a dive bar full of used up adventurers, newly minted adventurers, and at least one amputee bar wench. Thus far all of our characters have begun their careers (such as they were) at "The Nail" and certainly many more will follow.

So, by all means, stop by for a warm beer and perhaps a cold woman. A warning though, if an old crone comes to hire you, ignore her...

Let's do Math!

Last night, the party of Bill the Mauler and Pepto the Abysmal returned with four sacks of full of treasure.  They also decimated the population of a goblin hideout and crisped some skeletons.  They lost two henchmen in the process and ran like hell from some Dire Wolf pups.  How much experience did they earn?

Basic Dungeons and Dragons has a chart for that!  Let's break down what they killed and accomplished, and then figure out their experience points.

They killed a Snowman, which has similar stats to a zombie with 2 Hit Dice.  The Basic D&D Experience chart rates monsters by their Hit Dice.  The Snowman is worth 20 xp.

There was some sort of trap up ahead.  Bricks had been circled in the floor and the crushed remains of human life had them suspicious.  The party used the last foot of a living statue that someone had killed as test weight.  They threw the foot at a circle and the ceiling came down and pulverized it.  The party now feels safer and more confident.  How much exp do they get?  For figuring out a trap, in Basic Dungeons and Dragons, they get nothing.  Nothing.

There was a pit with skeletons in it.  Pepto decided to go down and look.  The skeletons animated and Pepto's friends pulled him up.  They then used some oil and burned the 9 skeletons.  At one HD each, they are worth 10 exp each for a total of 90.

The party encounters two giant shrews.  The shrews wound an henchmen before dying.  At 1 HD each, they are worth 10 exp each for a total of 20.

The fearless party encounters some goblins.  They kill 3 who are tormenting a Pixie.  The Goblins have 1HD minus 1 Hp, which counts for 5 exp each.  How much do they get for freeing the Pixie and befirending it?  According to the rules, nothing. The goblins did have 12 electrum though.


The party encounters 4 more goblins and slay them for a total of 20exp.  The goblins also had 20 electrum.

The party losses a henchmen at this point when he taste tests a foul smelling vault.  He dies of poison. 

The party encounters a Goblin and 4 Dire Wolf Pups.  The party tries to bullshit their way through but the goblin, who might be smarter than them, offers to take a bribe rather than fight.  They pay him with the electrum they have collected so far, which means they don't get to count the electrum as exp later. 

How much do you get for a peaceful resolution?  The Basic Rules suggest full exp for monsters defeated by "fighting, magic or wits" so I will give them full exp.  Just not right now for reasons you will see in a bit.

The party then meets a brining pit where dead humans are being prepared for eating.  Party is grossed out but no exp is awarded.

The party wiselyy avoids the soound of a large group of goblins partying and head towards the quiet tunnel.  There they encounter 2 Goblin Guards and slay them.  The Guards are slightly tougher at 2 HD each, for a total of 40 xp.

The Goblin Guards are guarding a vault with 2000 electrum pieces, 9720 copper pieces and 6,200 silver pieces.  Since the party of three can only haul so much, they take all the electrum pieces.  That means all the copper and silver is NOT added to experience even though they got to touch it.

On the way back, the Giblin and his 4 pups are horrified to see the players he let bribe him are leaving with the treasure from the vault.  Everyone tries to haggle and I roll a 2 on the NPC reaction chart which is "Immediate Attack"  With their 7 charisma each, the party really has nothing to complain about.

Fighting breaks out and the goblin dies quick and gives up his 5 xp.  The pups however rip apart the henchman and the two players wisely decide to run away.  They get no exp for escaping the pups even though Pepto cast a light spell at the eyes of one.

So, 20 xp for snowman, 90 for the skeletons, 20 for the shrews, 40 for various goblins and 40 for the 2 goblin guards for a total of 210 exp.  They also get a one for one experience point for every gold piece of treasure which nets them a cool 1000 exp for their electrum.

Check that out.  Killing, slaying and outwitting got the party 210 exp, split two ways.  That is it.  The treasure however, got them a nice 1000 split two ways.  By my math, they get 605 experience each. 

Obviously D&D has some wiggle room for adding extra exp whenever the DM feels like it and I plan to give 20 exp for smashing that foot because it was freaking funny.  Still, it is hard to ignore that by the rules, reducing the Goblin population doesn't mean nearly as much as robbing them.  No wonder Wall Street loves money so much, it is the best way to get experience.

One last note, if the henchmen had survived, the exp would be split 4 ways.  Makes you understand why henchmen rarely survive.