A Typical Night at the Coffin Nail

It is the height of summer in Yem, and a fresh blanket of snow is being laid over the island. You approach The Coffin Nail, whose smoking chimney promises warmth and reasonably good food. At the corner of the building, several chained ghouls snarl as you approach. They bear The Dread Prince's brand, and are common enough a sight.

As you swing the door open, you hear a heated debate. A strange beardless dwarf is arguing with one of the regulars.

"I tell you, a lich is down there," the dwarf exclaims.

"There's no lich in that castle, maybe a ghoul," an old man replies. 

"A lich!"

"A GHOUL!"

"Let's ask the Ghoul Master," the dwarf says, "Avaric, could a ghoul survive down there?"

"Well, strictly speaking, no," the uniformed elf replies. "The biggest problem with ghouls is how dependent they are on a supply of fresh corpses. We use them as shock troops, but they are not very reliable. Start an assault, and they immediately run to the closest graveyard."

"So, it's not a ghoul," the dwarf says.

"Well, it ain't a lich, I can tell you that," replies the old man. "We should ask Archibald, he'd know."

From a corner you suddenly realize you never look into, a shimmering begins. The form of a once-corpulent, now quite dead man appears. His ancient robes hang moth-eaten over his shoulders. Tiny pin-pricks of light shine in his deep-set eye sockets. A voice from the depths of your worst nightmares begins to speak. Your skin crawls as Archibald begins...

"Nope, no lich in that castle," the lich begins, "I daresay I know every lich in Yem, and there was never one in that castle. I remember the days when that was a thriving way-station for traders headed north. Those were better days..."

"Aw, what does he know?" the dwarf exclaims. "What kind of lich hangs out in a bar all day, anyway?"

The black bolt of lightning strikes the dwarf before you realize what is happening. Everything goes black for a moment... When your vision returns, the bartender is sweeping up a pile of ash. You look desperately at the corner for an answer to your confusion, but see nothing but a table that has not been cleaned in months.

"Bartender," you say, "what happened to the man at that table?"

"Don't know what you're talking about friend," he replies, "finish your drink." He pours the ash from the dustpan into a large bottle, and sets it behind the bar.

Our Stolen Mug

Recently the Great Run Mug of the Diggerbollox Clan was lost in a bar fight. Here is the epic song that was sung before the quest to retrieve it.

Far across the dirty alleys cold,
To basements deep and sewers old
We must away, without a hug
To find our just now stolen mug

The Dwarves of yore, made a mighty mug,
While brewers brewed, their potent beer,
In places deep, where dragons sleep,
In ringing halls, we drank our cheer

Our cousin drank, at the Fatal Wound,
He brought the mug, as was his right,
The humans craved, that mug of gold
They tugged his beard to start a fight

The fists were flying right to the crotch,
The beer was pouring from the kegs,
The fight was great, with broken bones,
The chairs like hammers fell on legs.

Far across the dirty alleys cold,
To basements deep and sewers old
We must away, without a hug
To find our just now stolen mug

One Year Anniversary!

We started this campaign - and this blog - about a year ago, and while we haven't gotten a chance to play recently, it hasn't been for lack of trying.

In fond memoriam of original gangstas Urist Diggerbollox and Pik the Acolyte, I'd like to pour one out in contemplation of their short and poetic lives in the bowels of Yem. Thusly, I present their theme song:

Urist's cousin Richter still lives on, and Yem's temple of the Blue Oyster Cult thrives (largely on the lucrative insurance returns of an army of dead acolytes). I hope this campaign (and blog) continue on for many more a year.

Hireling Names

I'm convinced a good hireling name is one that instantly gives you everything you need to know about them just from their name. I took ten minutes and brainstormed a bunch for handy use in the vein of Scrap Princess's awesome name list over here.

Of similarly awesome use is Ian's recently posted list of things psychotic people will yell at you pulled from the Borderlands game.

Torchbearers:

• Pig
• Old Mottley
• Huggert
• Li'l Zed
• Stinky
• Len Dumbass
• Stickfoot
• Nigel Sodpants
• Louse

Men-(and women)-at-arms:

• Droig
• Black Maggie
• Rufus
• Elonzo
• Vosh Vestra
• Angry Jenny
• Grumble Crumbles
• Beagelwitz
• Kur Bulgestein
• Gustvolt von Pike

Veterans:

• Bertha
• Van Duggen
• Grimes
• Eggers
• Gram Stabbo
• Reverend Slurry
• Sister Magdalena
• Gunt Whistler

Packhorses (aka treasure carriers):

• Bob
• Gus
• Chronic
• Lazy Ned
• Mule
• Lefty
• Curtis
• Tunk

Thieves:

• Los Loster
• Midnight
• Jack Shadow
• Whisper
• Scuttles
• Sausage Fingers
• Silas the Glove
• Eliza Cabbage

Magicians:

• Delzor
• Voth the Mundane
• El Hadazar
• James Brown
• Casper Varley
• Carlito Maglioni

Dwarves:

• Grim Grimmorson
• Podge
• Vargas
• Dirty Krodo
• Loambeard Stoutgut
• Unger Derpson
• Frugal Sal

Elves:

• "Doug" Silverspear
• Amaril
• Leandra
• Mute Fortha
• Beaumont
• Maple Maloney

Other:

• Carnage the Wardog
• Drazzle (doppleganger)
• Handsome Jack (asshole Aasimar)
• E. Lester Hicks, time traveler
• Puddin' (polymorphed ooze)

Edit: Updated with some fun contributions from the G+ crowd.

Mid-Level Starting Character Random Quirk Table

"What happened to them?"

Good things, bad things, but most importantly interesting things. Compiled with help from cool people on G+. It's a d50 table - you could just do the d100/subtract 50 if over 50 thing.

1. Has a cursed (but bonused) shield that cannot be taken off, making eating, sleeping, hugging, etc. difficult.
2. Two fingers once bitten off by a bullywug, including the family ring. The Bullywug got away.
3. Love/hate relationship with a pixie who has taken up residence in beard, hair or hat.
4. Somehow learned how to speak to oozes.
5. Spellbook has acquired intelligence, may require charisma rolls to convince it to let you learn spells.
6. Character has started growing vestigial wings. Can't wear plate mail (and has to have other armor adjusted), but can fly for level in rounds, after which exhausted.
7. Feet replaced by cloven hooves.
8. Always smells of cinnamon.
9. Looks exactly like famous prince/infamous baron.
10. Blood replaced by tiny insects after jaunt in Carcosa, terrified of insects.
11. Had renounced money - spends it as quickly as possible on insect themed totems for 'protection' (but really on any other grandiose project or odd addiction.)
12. Former Henchwoman now assassin for one woman death cult - still friendly though.
13. Has an arrow stuck in their head.  Removing the arrow would cause brain damage. No other effects.
14. Has acquired a touch of lycanthropy, body part may occasional become furry and violent.
15. Heterochromia (different colored eyes) -- one normal, and one with complete light blindness, but sees perfectly in dark/low-light settings.  Now wears an eye-patch and switches it back and forth, depending on lighting. Depth perception is totally screwed up now and can't shoot worth a darn.
16. Touch of undeath - Brought to 0hp so many times the character can now be turned like the undead.
17. Has developed an awkward, and outwardly obvious twitch when around or discussing gold.
18. IT BUUUURNS!: Was hit by green slime in the past and lived, but with horrible scarring. 1d6: (1-3 head/face, 4 torso, 5 arm, 6 leg)
19. Papa/Mama?: Took in a kobold baby, now grown up. Treat as fanatically loyal henchman with kobold stats. Unless they learns the truth of what happened to their parents...
20. After years of dungeon crawling, has developed a taste for spider webs. Yes, eating them. 
21. After a chance encounter that nearly killed them, the character has become terrified of certain vegetables and fruit.
22. Was a living sacrifice, and had his heart ripped out by Lolth.  Shortly after, his body was "liberated" and resurrected, but the Priestess still has his now-beating heart in a jar in her bedroom on a side table.
23. Starts uncontrollably itching under the armor when near poisonous traps and monsters.
24. Stalked: An invisible stalker has somehow become infatuated with the character. They won't attack the character directly, but will be hostile towards any who show affection towards the character.
25. Magic Robot Hand. What it says on the tin, partially translucent.
26. Teeth are filed to sharp points.
27. Tattoo in checkerboard pattern, all over.
28. Swallowed by a whale. Survived, but can now breathe underwater.
29. PC only requires alcohol to satisfy nutritional and hydrational needs. Only alcohol satisfies these needs. PC still gets drunk at normal rate.
30. Tinkerbell: You can animate your shadow, but it doesn't always follow orders. 
31. You are the familiar for a wizard no one has seen for one thousand years. 
32. Half a treasure map is tattooed on your back.
33. You are a person transported from 21st century earth to the setting by mysterious means.
34. Pie In The Sky: Every week you go without a piece of pie, you lose a finger. Extra pie can help grow lost digits back...
35. Your urine heals wounds. 
36. Teeth can be pulled out and used as grenades. For each goblin you blast away, you travel another mile on the ugly road...
37. Cool tail, bro.
38. Immune to fear because the voices in your head tell you not to worry. 
39. In complete darkness, your eyes shine like spotlights.
40. There is a demon seed implanted in your chest. 1 in 6 chance direct blows to body damage the demon instead of you. 
41. You have a reputation as a great swordsman, wizard, whatever. Losers come crawling out of the woodwork to challenge you.
42. Your skin is green from radioactive stirge bites back at level one.
43. You are covered with inexplicable scars, including bullet holes, sword cuts, claw marks, burns, frostbite discolorations, a Y shaped autopsy suture and inexplicably a suture completely encircling the neck - may actually be a Frankenstein.
44. Keeps trophies of slain monsters. Others terribly creeped out by collection of untanned goblin ears, dark elf scalps, fire beetle antenna, pixie skulls and giant rat tails. Of course the stinking mess is proudly displyed on your armor/clothes at all times.
45. Addicted to gambling, ogre gland extract and/or psychedelic cave lichen.
46. You sold your soul to the devil in exchange for something you have yet to claim. He gets to call in the debt as soon as you complete the wishing. 
47. You own a magical horse, and can summon it with a whistle. It's pretty clever and brave, and can survive on its own without supervision when you send it off.
48. The local cat community owes you one, and will help you out when it can. This is just housecats and the smaller wildcats, though, no lions or magical beasts.
49. You now age backwards at twice the natural rate. If you don't get magically aged you'll have to give up adventuring very quickly.
50. Due to transdimensional mind-shift, you actually DO know everything your player knows. 

In the Halls of The Dread Prince

Desiring some amusement, and perhaps a thinning of the adventuring herd, The Dread Prince, ruler of the land of Yem, has summoned The Riders of Lohan to his royal pressence. To what end? A simple task. One so simple you would think any of his army could accomplish it, but when you live eternally you need all the entertainment you can get, and what better entertainment is their than convincing some warm-fleshies to go on a dangerous mission with no promise of reward?

So, off to the library... an ancient place with no apparent name; at least not one that was discovered. Fortunately, The Dread Prince said nothing about not looting the library, nor about taking a cut (perhaps the tax man will have something to say there).

Ultimately, here is the experience and gold breakdown per character:

Total gold split: 42,000gp
Total fighting experience split: 59xp
Total XP: 42,059xp each

Sadly, you can only gain one level at a time, so much of this xp will go to waste, but money is money, eh?

Itemized bill of sale:

Treasure

12,000ep (6000gp)
15 pieces of jewelry, 162,000gp total
2 potions, healing and invisibility
scroll of knock
ring of invisibility (went to John)

gp total: 168,000

split: 42,000gp

Experience

Enemy party
 * Dwarf (1) - 5
 * Halfling (1) - 5
 * Thief (1) - 5
 * Cleric (1) - 5
 * Magic-user, level 3 (Dr. Peabody) (3**) - 50

XP: 70

3D Portal
 * Elf (1+1*) - 19

XP: 19

Library
 * Crab Spider (2*) - 25
 * Medusa librarian (4*) - 125

XP: 150

Total: 239xp
Split: 59

XP Total: 42,059

Vampires can Suck It, right?

We finished the Sequestrium of Transformative Incantations this evening!

Bill the Mauler and Mindark the Wise hired three more unsuspecting dupes to venture into the clusterfuck up in the Tower of Unfathomable Secrets, only to encounter Ghosts, Doppleglimmers, Werewolves and Vampires (oh my!).

Let it be known that the fell creature known as Magus Otto Von Brisbane and his vicious concubines met their end in the master tower on this date, Brisbane himself skewered through the heart by a gold Varsguard cross, and Mindark the Wise now possesses his arcane secrets as well as his Robe of Eyes. Bill the Mauler now possesses a headache and a lingering feeling of guilt over trying to kill his ex-Stripper henchwoman "Jersey" Caramel while dominated.

Here's my master map, all secrets revealed: